life sucks, get the f*ck up!

What constitutes as a depressing life?  Or how will you determine that your life really sucks?

Is it when your kid, although being a stay at home parent, still does not listen to what you say or ask him or her to do, that you feel that you’re inadequate?

Is it when you’re biological clock is ticking by the second and you still can’t find ‘somebody to love’?

Is it finding out that your teenage daughter is pregnant?

Is it finding out that one of your family or friends is into drugs?

Is it living longer than your offspring?

Is it having your wife and unborn child die at the same tie due to complications while giving child birth?

Is it finding out you have an untreatable disease or cancer?

Is it a husband or wife that lies to you?  Not just your typical run of the mill lie, but a lie that he or she will not confess to even though there’s already a hard evidence of their wrong doing.

Is it a husband or wife that has brought upon you both physical and emotional abuse?

I once told someone that I would prefer someone to be brutally honest than a sweet talker but is full of lies.  Both of which has its pros and cons.  Both of which sucks!

Is it when you’ve already asked permission to go out with your friends, because there are times you don’t ask permission and your spouse gets pissed when you do that and even after informing him ahead that you’re going out, did what he wanted you to do - you come home to a locked door.  Then after knocking for some time, the door opens and your husband wants to hit you for waking him up, when he was the one who locked the door in the first place, then telling you, you should’ve have come home.

 Is it when you’re told by your ‘superior’ that you’re a disgrace and you are indeed in some way a disgrace but most of it is only because you are misunderstood?

Is it when both family and work life is down in the dumps?

Usually, when my family life is doing fine, work life is terrible or vice versa.  But what if it’s both horrible???

When life sucks for me, or something comes up like a hurtful word from someone, my focus shifts to those who had their whole life in crutches, to those people who cannot even eat 3 times a day, to those kids who had no choice but to beg for money or sell things on the street, to those who has been raped, got someone from their family dying, to those who are orphans or victims of a heinous crime. 

Often times, those who are sick and dying, whose life is supposed to suck end up more positive than those without health problems.  Could it be because they know they are going to meet their Maker soon?  Or that there would finally be no pain...

Is there a problem that you can’t get out of?  If there’s a will, there’s a way right? 

When you’re having a hard time dealing with your kid, can’t we just do what you can and hope they turn out ok?

Can’t we just accept the fact that we were meant to live this earth alone?  And if we wanted a kid, we could always adopt or find some other ways...

Can’t we just accept the fact that your teenage daughter’s pregnant and your fury for what she has done is nothing compared to what she is going through right now?

Can’t we just hope that things work out for the people in our life that happens to be involved in drugs and just support them in anyway we can.  Of course not by feeding their addiction but constant reminders of what life on that path would turn out.

Living longer than your children and having your wife and unborn child die at the same time, now that’s really depressing.  Can’t we just think that their in God’s care now?

And finding out that you have an untreatable disease or cancer, can’t we just think that we will meet our maker soon and be glad of that fact...  I was about to say ‘happy’ but of course, no one is happy dying.  Even if you will no longer feel any pain, the pain you will cost to your love ones will be unbearable...

Lying husband or abuses you physically – change husband!  Commitment to your spouse can only take you so far as there is no abuses involved.

Now, verbal abuse on the other hand is a more delicate matter.  How thick is your skin?  Does he really mean it or he’s just that brute?  This will depend on how committed you are to your relationship with your family and with him...

Your work life sucks? Find another job.

I guess the bottom line is how you will take things.  How you will catch the wave the ocean throws at you.   Do you wipe out or do you ride along as long as you can... and whether or not you can accept certain things in life.  That some people got it good and you don’t.

When life gets you down, get up. Or shoot yourself? No.  Definitely not. You can say I’m saying these things because I haven’t experience anything of these things I’ve mentioned and possibly some other tragedy in life I wasn’t able to mention.  I have, in one way or the other.  I’ve also been down the road of suicide, but wasn’t too manic depressive enough to go through with it.  Though knowing what I know now back then, I would’ve instantly decide that it’s the wrong decision.  Suicide is never the answer. 

It’s been a while since both my work and family life sucked at the same time.  But life goes on.  That’s the bottom line.  Life should go on.  Leave it up to God or your choice of higher power.  Hope.  Don’t lose it.

what to right about

i wrote about pier roxas, a contest by nokia ovi. even submitted an essay of some sort to nokia to get a chance to win a nokia phone. submitted both on the deadline. both submissions, dead.


i applied for a job so far from home, applied for a job that' going to be hard to get home from due to traffic. both applications, rejected. actually i applied to more than 2 but only both of them called me up for an interview.
now, what am i to right about? 


when i started writing for the chance to get to win a phone, i was pretty sure i wanted to be a writer. after all, i used to write stuff when i was young. i've even kept some of it and i still have my diaries.  though i'm pretty sure i'm going to have a hard time reading my handwriting. the computer isn't used back then as much as it is being used today. but after watching the social network, i was wishing that i studied programming instead. 


i actually like both writing and computer related stuff. and both would fit my personality.  and here i am in my middle ages still wondering what job would fit me, ea or part of a team. i'm having difficulties now being part of a team wherein we're all supposed to be equals but i'm the one doing the carrying them around. of course not all of the time, but most of the time. implementing things that would make our jobs easier but unfortunately their brain is like mine that makes things difficult instead of easier. now as for being an ea... i guess it my boss was like my previous boss, we would get along fine. it'll probably depend on what type of boss i'll end up with. 


i'm not limiting myself, though i sort of am. i know i can be a writer or a programmer, because i'm hard wired to THINK and it will happen. nothing is too late, nobody is too old to do stuffs to turn ones life around. even though it's scary since there are a million other writers or programmers out there. but being a programmer is where the big bucks are. well, that being suited to my personality... so what would i program or invent if i was a programmer that would rake in the cash? i have a programmer's block for that but as of the moment, i have writers unblock. =)


the limit thing is having a family. i can't have best of both worlds just yet without sacrificing another. i can be great at my job but i would have to suck at my personal life.  and by the time i'm free of any obligations to my family, would i still want the things i want to do right now...


i used to have so many ideas that i once wanted to venture into the advertising world. then i realized i hated selling or convincing someone of my idea, making them see my point of view. people have a hard time understanding me is enough already.


i even wanted to be a fashion model, wait, make that a super model! then i realized that i hate make up.


this year, i was thinking of an idea wherein i can help out someone with their daily work routine. making their life easier by * then gain profit from it. but how will i get them to be open enough to do it?


life. damn if you do damn if you don't. 


so i'll probably end up doing what i always do. nothing. but just for now. until next time...

part 2

i have a thing with getting really silent when i'm upset. and was i upset with Jared.

after stricking a conversation with me, he was then a total stranger, things was never the same.  sitting alone, enjoying my mocha frap, this hunk asked is he can share the table with me because the coffee shop was packed. as i try to ignore this delicious looking demi god sent straight from the heaven, i couldn't help but glance because he was staring at me intently.
then he smiled.  a small, barely disguishable smile, that showed his dimples. he looked younger in an instant and i felt like i was a cougar.  his smile was irresistable that i was forced to smile a polite smile.

"i'm jared"

i smiled politely again.

"you have a nice smile"

i wanted to say you have a nice everything. not just nice like sugar and spice. more of like how ben and ted would express the word "nice".

"you shouldn't be alone..."

it sounded more of a threat than a friendly advise.

"is there any way that i can make you talk to me? i can't buy you a drink since you already have one.  how about dinner instead?"

such confindence! i didn't know how to react.  so i just smiled again. 

"oh, i get it. you were taught not to talk to strangers. but but not a stranger! i already told you my name... here's my driver's license and ID if that isn't enough."

my polite smile turned into a dazzling smile.

"sorry if i'm coming on too strong..."

"bianca." i said cutting him off.

"oh"

"if you ever have any requirements i maybe able to offer, call me", i said, as i handed him my calling card.  then i stood up and walked away.

i didn't get the chance to ask him what was going through his mind that glorious afternoon.  because the next contact that had anything to do with him came from his manager.  after that call, he was all business.  and since business is business, i think we mutually decided to forget the whole thing ever happened. we didnt' even had the time to have a conversation if it wasn't about reports, meetings and deadlines.

i woke up abruptly after the plane landed. i didn't realize that i had fallen asleep.  we didn't take the boat thing going to the island.  imagine him in his gucci leather pumps and attire that consists of nothing less of 10k each piece of clothing being drenched in salt water because the boat sometimes don't get to shore.  we rode on his helicopter straight to shangri la. 

it wasn't really unusual going on a surprise trip with him.  most of his transactions are scattered all over the country that sometimes we have to suddenly go to cebu or pampanga.  but i never had a work trip that was only with him.

"here's your room key, freshen up, your things are in your room.  anything you need just call room service.  i have something to attend to and will just call you on your cellphone." he said hurriedly.  it sounded like our first meeting after our previous encounter.

"what time are we supposed to meet the client?" i asked.

"he's vacationing somewhere here, i suggest you do the same in the meantime."

a planner. demanding.  but still dreamy.  with the workload that he requires from me, i haven't got the time to think about him that way.. but since he practically commanded me to be on vacation mode...

i went to my suite, took a long bath in my favorite mode of cleansing myself. bathtub/jacuzzi.  then went to the balcony to chill.  i was on my way to the beach when my phone rang.  darn it.

"11 o'clock" he simply said.

"tonight?!" i asked.

"look."

i looked slightly to my left and saw him with a jetski. as i approached him, he was grinning foolishly as if he just finished a successful prank.

"welcome to paradise". he said extravagantly as he spreads out his arms.

"what are you talking about?"

"you brought me luck.  before meeting you, i wanted you.  after meeting you, i needed you.  business boomed and there was no time to continue what i've started.  now that my schedule finally cleared, i can... well, if you..." his confidence suddenly dropped. seeing the look on my face.

i didn't know what to feel.

"you dragged me, all the way here, on your own convinience!?" i said with emphasis on the word "own".

"look, let me make it up to you.."

"i don't see how you would be able to do that Jared." i said with disgust at him and at myself for allowing this to happen.

as i turn and walk away again, he softly grabbed my arm as the sun began to set. he faced me towards him and was too close for comfort.

"bianca..." he said as he gazed into my eyes sincerely.

good thing i was a good poker player.  i know my skill would one day come in handy if i wasn't able to join the world poker tournament.

it felt like he was about to kiss me. but after knowing Jared for a bit now, i know that his mind works different from us just average beings.

i was trying hard to keep a blank, scowling face.  but his touch is sending tiny electric sparks all through out my body and i could feel my heart race.  bringing down my defenses.

"i'm sorry...." he started to say. but wasn't finished.

"...but the yacht is waiting for us and it's getting dark."

i pushed him away and slapped his arm. i was suddenly laughing.  he ran away as i chased him.  we were like kids playing.  i just shook my head after awhile when i suddenly realized that obviously wouldn't be able to catch him.

"i'm driving", i said sternly.

he couldn't hold on to me because i wouldn't let him.  i drove faster and harder than michael schumacher on the race track.  it was his punishment. but damn those muscle hardened legs.  he didn't fell overboard.

his yacht was magnificent. i was in awe. on deck was a table set for two with fancy candlelight things that i only see in the movies. when i turned to look at him, he already have a bouquet on his hand and knee on the floor.

"you're not going to ask me to marry your right?" i jokingly said.

"no, just your forgiveness."

we had a blast on the yacht. eating an awesome meal. he knows i appreciate food and set all the things i like to eat on the table. his intellect and wit kept me from throwing him overboard for what he did. we played wii like teenagers and partied like there was no tomorrow. 

time passed us by and it didn't seem like it was just the two of us.  we had so much fun that dawn crept up on us without even knowing that it was almost morning.

i sat on the deck to rest, watching the sun rise.  he put his arm around me hesitantly and i just had to smile.  even with all the confidence in the world, a guy will always be a guy with his insecurities. especially to someone he really likes. 

i didn't move nor move towards him.  i just grabbed his hand and twisted it as if i was a police officer about to hand cuff him.

"ow, where did you learn to do that?" he asked.

"a friend of mine from high school taught me that.  she was the prettiest back in the day and was a testament to the saying, small but terrible." i responded as i let him go.

"am i forgiven?" he asked as he was getting too close for comfort once again.

"depends" i just said mysteriously. but it my mind, it depends on how he would kiss me.

but he suddenly stood up. went inside without saying anything.

perfect moment ruined, i thought. or so i thought.

slow dance music suddenly filled us.  he reappeared with his hand towards me, asking me to dance.

i accepted.  this time, our closeness didn't bother me.  i put my head on his shoulders literally and it so happens, that was also the title of the song.

no more grand speech about asking for forgiveness. he knows that he was forgiven and i also knew i had forgiven him back at the beach as i was chasing him down unsuccessfully.

it felt like prom. but not prom night since it was early morning. teenagers reluctant and hesistant on everything.  not really knowing what to do and over thinking things. the things you read in books and see in movies that sometimes, it'll just come naturally are not really the case here.  i doubt it that only a chosen few ever gets to experience that.  but i was fine with it. it's these moments i'd like to cherish.

needless to say, our kiss was magical. our wedding spectacular.  our marriage didn't change what we were and still is.

i could've gushed on how he raised my head to face his as he plants a soft kiss on my lips and how that kiss build into a passionate one or how our spectacular wedding was held in some place in europe that made me feel that i was getting married like i was a celebrity and amongst the gods and goddesses. that the setting was like mount olympus and shot with an olympus camera to immortalize that memorable day... or that we settled at a large but still felt quaint 2 storey condo and that we get to spend every night like it was date night.

i could gush on about it. but i won't.

in the end, all dates are the same as i've mentioned in my previous post. no matter how major major one date is as compared to just eating at mcdonalds, the feelings and expectations are still the same. and of course, the bottom line as well. which is...?

date me perfectly, as opposed to the perfect date

this has been in my mind since this morning. what to post. and this keeps popping up.
my first date was with my now husband, then bf. it felt almost extra special like in the movies, since we tried out a japanese resto at ortigas area.  they had no customers.  i can think of it as he paid the whole place for just the two of us. then we got drunk in the car and i went home, my mind swirling from all the tequila shots i took, until i fell asleep. 

i also had a relationship with a girl. she's technically (a lot of techincalities in my life) my first 'bf/gf', and also the last. i'm not bi sexual or anything. i don't look at girls 'that' way or feel attracted to them. it's just she gave me everything i ever wanted. emotionally as well as physically. hey, beggars can't be 'choosy'. though i can't remember our first date...

so after enumerating the only 2 serious relationships in my life, i have yet to fufill my 'perfect date'...

the perfect date is showing up at your doorstep with a bouquet or a single rose whatever color, dinner, laughter, getting to know each other, coffee at starbucks, more importantly, being at ease with each other. of course, he'll take you home, kiss you goodnight with the 'first kiss' and you'll feel so kilig to the bones all the way to your bedroom and can't seem to stop smiling.

date me perfectly is more of a fantasy. anyone can achieve the perfect date. but this has a lot to do more with what you see in the movies. the extravagant ways like when jun pyo took jandi on the beach on a force date...
or suddenly whisking you off to paris for a night to remember.

mine would start with they way he would ask me out. making me think it was anything but a date or the line, "would you go out with me" from someone you like would both send shivers to your spine.

let's play out the first one.

Jared took a swig of his patron tequila and purposedly walked towards me.  gathering up courage i presume while i assume that he was attracted to me and was about to ask me out. 
"i need to go over some things with you bright and early tomorrow, can you meet me at say, around 8am?"
shocked, that since we were at a bar and he just took a shot, that he would still be talking business.
all i managed to say was "uh, sure?" with a confused look on my face.

the next morning, the company car was waiting for me to take me to his office.  Jared, being the owner of his IT company, sure has his pull on things. 
it was probably because he asked for a meeting earlier than usual, i said to myself...
but we didn't drive to his office. the driver drove me to the airport.
i checked my phones for any messages that would shed some light on this development but found no messages.  i would've asked the driver but we were already at the airport and i saw him standing near the entrance.

"what is all this?" i asked him immediately
he just smiled slyly and hurriedly pulled me towards the check in counter.
i wanted to pull back but my urge to see where this was going got the better of me.

after checking in, we waited for our flight to only God knows where because i wasn't wearing my glasses to check out the flight details on the screen and he just took my ID from me for attendant to verify.  i gave in because i also didn't want to make a scene. 

as soon as we settled at the cafe, i've bombarded him with questions left and right.
"where are we going!?"
"what are you doing!?"
"this is kidnapping!"

"calm down, the client requested for this" was all he said dismissively

"but.." i started to protest but was cut off.

"your bags are pack and you're ready to go, besides this wouldn't take long anyway"

i wanted to ask what are the things he packed for me but they were already announcing that we can board the plane.

that's when i found out we're going to boracay.

(to be continued)

finally!

it took me almost an hour to get this done. the world is kinda sending me mixed messages about doing this... 
what prompted me to do this is bo sanchez and his message to find my talent, practice and deliver. if it weren't for his other message that we should try and try again, i would've been asleep by now...
so what is the purpose of all this? just wanted to be me, myself and I.
and for the longest that i can remember, i've always been into writing. that and being a supermodel, but i can't imagine if i took that path. i hate make up and wearing high heels. i didn't know back then the 'requirements' ...
mark this day, it's my first day. hopefully the last day...
of my period. =)

i was born on 1979.
our first place was at manila
then at pasig
then at san juan.
so funny that i wanted to be me on this blog but i still can't state the specifics of my life...
i have privacy issues, and i wanted to be a model *scoff*

i am the only girl in the family with a supportive father and a supportive but very nagging mother.

i was tomboyish in grade school and tried to be unique all through out my life.

i didn't have suitors, well, serious ones i guess. i had one suitor though who just saw me and then decided to 'court' me. i think it was a week later, even if i barely know him, i agreed to be his 'gf'. then i week later i broke up with him...

i have a very strict father who doesn't sleep unless i'm home.  i rarely get to go out and party. and if i did, i have to be home early.

back then, i didnt' think about how other's life suck more than mine.  now, this is what gets through my 'cravings'.  seing pictures of kids with bones protruding, with nothing to eat. who am i to complain that i didn't get to buy the latest trends?

i explored my sexuality as early as i can remember... my parents even caught me cause we used to sleep in one room. asked me if i was hot because my shorts was down. i don't know what even started this. but i remember my brother and his then gf watching either an R rated movie or porn... maybe that's what set me off. or on for this matter. i've explored with a neighbor of mine.  i think she initiated it after discussing our sexuality... i hated it when it was my turn.  i hate the fact that technically she is my first kiss.  there was even one time she was sick and we did it, i don't remember though if i got sick too after that.... but i probably did.

so with no serious relationship in my life, i succumbed to a dark hole that only i have access to. i pity myself. i was in a dark place.  with no social life. i've learned to close my heart.  change it to stone. 

no regrets though. it was these 'challenges' and my past that what made me what i am today. i've learned the power of the mind because it was what and still is, gets me through the day.

i pretty much live a mundane life. wait let me search mundane to see if it's the right word for my life. it is.

chico and delamar, gino and fran. these people makes me smile.
watching tv, tv series on dvd, reading books and researching on the net keeps me occupied.

just always stay positive and remember that it's all in the mind.  and leave it up to God.

i have many things i wanted to say. to ask. and it all starts today.

finally.